Skip to main content

Sigh

So if I had room to add it to my goals,  I might add being more self confident.   But then,  goals are supposed to be attainable and I don't know where to start.

Seriously,  I am the meanest person I know - at least to myself.  The self talk inside my head is terrible and relentless.

It's about my grey hair.
It's about my fat legs and flabby everything.
It's about the stretch marks on my stomach from those two miraculous boys of mine.
It's about my stubby chewed fingernails and long cuticles and hangnails.
It's about my my dry skin.
It's about the bags under my eyes.
It's about the dirty dishes in my sink,  the piles of laundry, the unwashed linens, the toys and clutter everywhere.
It's about my lack of energy to make a change.  My constant "resolve" that never actually affects anything but my belief that "nothing will ever change,  so why try?"
It's about my moodiness.
It's about my selfishness.

It's about...

every.
                  single.
         part.
                                of.
    me.

How do I take every thought captive?
How do I stop believing these terrible things about myself?
How do I start loving myself?
How do I start seeing myself as the redeemed,  righteous through the blood of Jesus,  filled with the power of the Holy Spirit, loving, joyful,  BEAUTIFUL woman of God that I know I am and want to live as?

How?  I   I feel like I have no will power.  No endurance.  I feel destined to fail.  Do I even dare to try again?   Am I going to look at this post a year from now and still wonder how to get out of this rut?

I hope not.   I really really hope not. 

I will know that I am out if...

well, if I'm honest,  if I have lost weight and can feel confident about my body.  I am so tired all the time and crave sugar.  I feel run down.  Always.  And that affects everything,  even my ability to parent and be the wife I want to be.

So, there it is.  The ugly brutal truth.  I need to just commit to making changes.  I know I won't regret it,  but I'm afraid.  Afraid that I will fail and nothing will change. Again.

There it is again - that ugly brutal truth! 

I AM AFRAID OF ALWAYS BEING FAT.

Wow.  That was surprisingly liberating.

Step one: Give myself an awesome jamicure so I can be super proud of my nails instead of embarrassed! 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Review of "Safe House"

I am not a safe house.   But I knew that, and that's why I felt compelled to explore this book. When my son became a "threenager" seemingly overnight, I stopped being a safe house.  I started parenting out of fear and survival.  I started reacting.  I started punishing instead of disciplining.  Or maybe, maybe this is how I've always been and it is just surfacing more with each challenge.  In any case,  I now have three sons three and under,  and I am terrified....not of just having children who misbehave, but of having children who are resentful of me and of God.  Joshua Straub, PhD, and author of this book is a Dad of two young children.  That is to say,  he's in the trenches with us.   He also works with the American Association of Counselors, so he has a lot of helpful skills to offer every reader. There are three parts to the book. Part one outlines why emotional safety is necessary. It requires the reader to ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day one of Loving Well

Today is day one of reading my next book - One Month to Love by Kerry Shook.  It's right up my alley - journaling and making people feel loved.  Two great joys of mine.  (I'm much better at journaling in a real live journal than I am in an online blog - have no fear.) I received this book for free on bloggingforbooks.com. At the end of each chapter there's a "Challenge" section.  Today's challenges? Pick three people on whom to focus during the next month.   Jessie Buske Mom Brandon Do a facebook fast once a week and write a friend a handwritten card or go for coffee. (deal) Think about inviting three or four friends to try this challenge. (eh...I don't know...) Day one was easy peasy.  Edit:  so as it turns out, you really need to choose people with whom you can have face-to-face interaction.  For that reason I failed to stay engaged in this process.  It would be fun to try again! 
Post a Comment
Read more

Finding Jesus review

I was in the mood for something light-hearted and this fit the bill. Finding Jesus, by Winston Rowntree,   has essentially no words,  minus the intro,  which honestly I could have done without.  The book is basically Where's Waldo only one is looking for Jesus.  I knew it might be a bit borderline blasphemous but the intro was the worst of it.   I actually enjoyed the pictures a lot.   The detail was incredible and I loved the Biblical references - Jesus waving to Moses or Noah, or turning water into wine.   It was clever,  creative and overall a fun way to pass the time. At first I wasn't sure exactly what I was looking for.   Jesus doesn't have the same obvious attire that Waldo sports, and sometimes Jesus isn't even in color,  but once I spotted him I just knew. It's a fun book,  but be careful if giving it as a gift.   I could see it being offensive to some. I received a free copy of...
Post a Comment
Read more