A Review of "Safe House"

I am not a safe house.   But I knew that, and that's why I felt compelled to explore this book.

When my son became a "threenager" seemingly overnight, I stopped being a safe house.  I started parenting out of fear and survival.  I started reacting.  I started punishing instead of disciplining.  Or maybe, maybe this is how I've always been and it is just surfacing more with each challenge.  In any case,  I now have three sons three and under,  and I am terrified....not of just having children who misbehave, but of having children who are resentful of me and of God. 

Joshua Straub, PhD, and author of this book is a Dad of two young children.  That is to say,  he's in the trenches with us.   He also works with the American Association of Counselors, so he has a lot of helpful skills to offer every reader.

There are three parts to the book. Part one outlines why emotional safety is necessary. It requires the reader to reflect on how she was raised and how that affects her own parenting style.  It also explains the science behind how our parenting styles affect the development of our children's brains. Part two explores what a safe house is and how to build it using grace and truth while allowing our children to explore while still being protected.  Part three focuses on faith and it looks at marriage and community as important pieces in creating a safe house.

I was both fascinated and terrified as I began reading.   I identified my style of parenting immediately out of four types described in this book - I am the religious parent....an unfortunate term,  I think.  Religious, not as in religion, but as in I expect my child to religiously follow rules, no questions asked.  I am all about truth but lack grace.  Yes, I think I have been this way my whole life.  But now it's changing how my children think, how they will relate to God and others.  It might make them question if they're loveable.  But they are.  They so are.  So it was hard to read.  I also felt like this was the weakest part of the book.  It seemed a bit unorganized and redundant at times.  He used the phrase "raising children who live, love and lead well" so many times that it felt like an academic paper I might have written in college.  The information is good though, and very interesting.

My favorite part was actually the third section in which Straub talks about faith,  marriage and community.  This is where I think I actually need to start my safe house.   Before I can extend grace to my children, I need to understand how deeply God loves me.   I would have expected Straub to talk about God as our Father in this section, and he does, but he also talks about God as our shepherd and us as his sheep...not dumb, but defenseless.  And that's how I feel some days against the enemy and against my sinfulness.  I feel defenseless.  But God is my shepherd and His love for me is vast.   He is the gate and he is there living and protecting me.  

Straub also gives some really great examples in his book of how to respond to our children so that they feel understood.  This has been a gamechanger in our house the past two days.   So many situations have been deescalated because I:

A.)  tried to think first about God's love and patience with me and my whining and neediness, and

B.)  tried to make my son feel listened to instead of just barking orders.

He was more obedient today than he has been in months, and I think it's because he had positive attention.  Praise Jesus!

So yes, I am a work in progress.  But I do think this book was practical and helpful,  and while initially it made me anxious, in the end it led me back to God.  I cannot do this parenting thing without Him.  Now to get my husband to read it!